Yes, it has been a while! I can explain!
In January 2023, right after the start of the New Year, I was on a 10 mile run when I felt an awful pain in my groin area and had to hobble home. It turned out to be a proximal femoral stress fracture. There was no Boston Marathon for me in 2023, and there was no running for about 5 months. After working so hard on my nutrition and recovery, it was really difficult for me to deal with a high-risk injury. However, as my sports medicine doctor told me, this was the chance for me realize that “crap sometimes happens even in recovery” and “it is not your fault.” Still working on believing that in therapy.
In June, I was given the green light to finally run again. I was extremely depressed about my upcoming 34th birthday. That was the age my mother was when she had me, and here I was still childless. I felt confused and alone. I did not even want to celebrate, but at the last minute, I was talked into going to a bar with a few friends for trivia.
The week leading up to my birthday, Bryan had been bugging me to take a pregnancy test since my period was very late. However, I have PCOS (which I didn’t find out about until I was 33, that’s another story), so my periods are very irregular and unpredictable. I had also been told that it would likely take fertility treatment to get me pregnant, and I was unsure what I was willing and unwilling to do. We had been trying for so long that I was resigned to it not happening. Ok, so maybe it was a little later this time? So what? I was angry with Bryan. Did he not realize what it is like to sit on the toilet and cry while looking at a negative test? I was tired of it, and I kept refusing until the night before my birthday. I finally gave in just so he would leave me alone, and made him promise me that I could just throw away the test and not talk about it.
Two lines.
“Something is wrong. I am taking another test.”
Even Bryan was like, “OK, yeah maybe that was a bad one.”
Next test. Two lines.
What?
It was one of the craziest moments of my life that I can only describe as “feeling too many feelings.” I kept telling myself to stop getting excited. Something had to be wrong. We scheduled a blood test the next day, my birthday. I went out with my friends and tried to enjoy myself as much as possible while awaiting the results, skipping alcoholic drinks just in case. And then, the moment of truth. The blood test results came back that night. I was pregnant on my 34th birthday.
Someday I will talk more about the whole story leading up to this, but I will say something here I never thought I would ever say: I am thankful I had that stress fracture.
This baby is so wanted, and yet, I also have been a mix of emotions. So much fear. As someone with an eating disorder history, I was not sure I would ever be ready to carry a child of my own. It also was kind of difficult timing. I had hoped to get pregnant soon after completing Ironman Maryland. Had I been pregnant in April, I could have deferred Boston instead of simply not showing up and losing my spot. Now I was pregnant as soon as my doctor gave me the green light to run after 5 months off. What kind of lay off would be required now? I had been dreaming of a comeback triathlon season all winter, and now there would be no sparkling comeback this summer. Or maybe ever?
Since I was in a unique situation, basically a runner but a runner with a long layoff of just biking and swimming, my sports medicine doctor told me that I could do my scheduled return to running plan, but that I should stop progressing up to about 10 miles. The longest she suggested racing was 10k. No pregnant half, no pregnant full. At first, I thought that was a huge letdown. I had dreams of being pregnant for the 2023 Boston Marathon and running with a “Baby’s First Boston shirt.” But first trimester hit me like a ton of bricks. The nausea and fatigue were worse than I ever anticipated. I was fortunate that I was able to keep food down and continue working out (the workouts actually helped with the nausea) but I had to slow down, and doing the training for 13.1 or 26.2 sounded neither fun nor practical.
So, the summer of 2023 did indeed include a return to the racing circuit, but definitely a different return than the one I originally planned. After working really hard on my bike and swim during the stress fracture recovery, I was excited to show off my improvements there. However, in discussing triathlon with my doctor, I ultimately made the decision to not compete. I realize that some women do bike outdoors during pregnancy, and I respect their decision. For me, the risks felt too great. Would I most likely have been OK? Yes. But a fall could be deadly to the baby, and with increased nausea and dizziness from pregnancy, I was not sure the pressure of riding my triathlon bicycle in a competition was safe.
So, my first race back was the Cranberry Trifest Splash and Dash at 13 weeks pregnant. This is where Bryan and I made our birth announcement. I was happy there was a triathlon that offered a swim and run option. I had a great time waiting with the other splash and dashers, and the women kept telling me I deserved a medal just for being willing to do this pregnant. The ¼ mile swim felt OK, but turned out to be one of my slowest ever. I think I literally swam the same pace there that I maintained for 2.4 miles in Ironman Maryland. The run was uneventful. Given that the splash and dash was only a small group and most of the other athletes were still on the bike course, the course was completely empty. It was more deserted than a race during the height of COVID-19. I missed being cheered for and seeing other competitors. I also was so worried about hurting the baby that I ran very conservatively. When I saw the finish line, I was like “crap, that’s it?”
Overall, I don’t think the splash and dash was for me. I am glad I tried it, and it made a cute birth announcement, but I cried for a long time when I got home that afternoon. Being in at a triathlon environment made me miss triathlon even more, and I did not feel like I was truly a part of everything. No one really understood what my “running for two” shirt even meant. On the bright side though, perhaps I discovered how strong I am on the bike. I did not realize that not having the bike there made me less competitive, and that reminded me that I have strengths other than the run!
Bryan and I decided that for future pregnancy races, it was best for me to stick to running races where I could at least fully participate, even if not as fast as I once was.
In early September, we signed up for the Canton Road Race, with Bryan doing the 5k and me doing the 10k. Since the 10k is a hard distance to find, I wanted to take advantage of signing up for one. This would only be my third 10k ever. I donned a “baby on board shirt” and started off comfortably hard. I was pleasantly surprised when my watch was clocking 7:20s. Sure, that was once my half-marathon pace, but it was faster than I had expected at 19 weeks pregnant. I mostly enjoyed the course except for the final hill, which slowed me down to a 7:45 mile. I average a 7:27 pace overall, and won my age group. This time I was prouder of my effort. I went out a little harder than the splash and dash, with the doctor’s blessing that it was OK to push my intensity. However, I also changed my mindset. I had to be more humble when women passed me, and just accept it rather than speeding up to try to catch them again. I knew from the get-go I was not going to be an overall winner, so aimed to just do the best I could. The age group win was a nice bonus!
Finally, in October, we did the Oak Square YMCA’s Oaktoberfest 5k. This is an all-time favorite race, since I used to be a member of the Oak Square YMCA before we bought a house in Walpole. I still miss everyone there! At 22 weeks, I knew there was no way I could come close to my previous time of 21:13 for the course. About two weeks before race day, I thought I could maybe try for sub 22, but as pregnancy wore on, sub 23 became a more realistic goal. Rather than focus on time, my coach decided to have me focus on a negative split, which is something I have never done in a 5k. It is very easy to go out too fast in a 5k, since it is ultimately a very fast race. Definitely a mistake I have made, even in some of my better races! The Oaktoberfest 5k is also a brutally hilly course. The first mile is almost entirely uphill, with the second containing a large downhill. The previous year, I ran the first mile too fast and actually had a positive split. Knowing my time would not be as good anyway, I let myself be more conservative on that first uphill mile and ended up running each mile faster than the previous one. I actually found myself passing quite a few people at the top of the hill. I finished in 22:40, which was one of my slowest 5ks in years, but probably one of my smartest. I felt a surge of confidence seeing the negative split 5k thinking of ways I could hopefully apply this strategy postpartum when I get back to my old speeds. I wore a pink shirt that said “I am normally much faster when I am not so freaking pregnant.” This time, I got a loud round of applause when I crossed the finish line, and people were remarking that I deserved an award for “first place pregnant lady!”
Nevertheless, comparison is a dangerous trap when you are runner and it is one that many runners find it hard to avoid. You often compare yourself to other runners and to your previous self. A woman in her 40s overheard me talking to Bryan and said, “I have been a runner for my whole life. I ran all of my lifetime PRs 18 months postpartum. You are doing great and you’ve got this!” I thanked her. Sometimes it is amazing how people are there at just the right moment to say just the right thing.
Unfortunately, running has been a no-go for me since I got slammed with terrible lower pack and hip pain in week 25. There is a chance it can be fixed in pelvic floor physical therapy, but at this stage, I am resigned to that I may not run again until I am postpartum. I am disappointed for sure, but also so incredibly grateful that I can still ride my bike (indoors of course) and swim. Even though my bike and swim times have also slowed, I can still do them to a degree that they are enjoyable, and benefit me both mentally and physically. Every other Saturday, I have been doing 100k bike rides with a group of amazing ladies on Zwift. They have been so supportive and I seriously do not know what I would do without them!
When I first found out I was pregnant, I immediately wished there were more resources for people to talk to about being pregnant and maintaining recovery from an eating disorder, or dealing with any type of mental health struggles. I found it helpful to talk to fellow athletes, especially those with a history of depression or anxiety. Therefore, I share some of the things that helped me along the way.
If you are someone who is competitive, accept you are going to slow down and find other goals to satisfy the competitive spirit.
I knew that for me, being a long-time competitive athlete, it was going to be hard to just “run and let whatever happens just happen.” Setting other goals helped me get more excited about upcoming races where a PR or win was out of the question. Running negative splits, or running sub 23 at 23 weeks, were ways to make me feel motivated and accomplished while keeping my goals realistic. Now that I cannot run, I am setting goals on the bike. Of course, appropriate goals are always going to vary from person to person.
If you are OK sharing that you are pregnant, buy some fun workout clothes.
Buying my “baby on board” and “I am usually much faster when I’m not so freaking pregnant” shirts was a lot of fun, and I enjoy wearing them to races and workout classes. They remind me that things have changed now, and I am celebrating running and working out in a different way than I did prior to being pregnant. It also great to have some nice new gear that fits your changing body.
Find a health care provider(s) you trust and whom you can go to with any questions or concerns about exercise and diet during pregnancy.
There are a lot of opinions out there about pregnancy, exercise, and diet. Just because someone in your family says you shouldn’t be running does not mean that you are doing anything wrong. Just because a pregnant friend ate a certain type of diet does not mean it’s the diet you need to follow. Ultimately, go with a person you trust whom you believe has your best interest at heart. Also, it is OK to ask for a second or even third opinion if something does not feel right. Having a supportive team in place can also be helpful with something I am truly bad at, which is dealing with the uncontrollable. Of course, no one is able to magically tell me what is going to happen, but they can give me some realistic guidelines and expectations, and also help reassure me that I will have support in continuing with sport post-partum.
Find markers of effort other than pace.
Once I found out I was pregnant, my coach switched my workouts to be based on perceived effort or heart rate, rather than pace. Normal benchmarks like running threshold or bike FTP are no longer reliable. Remember that your body only knows effort, and therefore it receives the benefits of the workout regardless of the pace.
Whatever you were fueling with before pregnancy, know that you may need more.
Working out while pregnant takes more out of you. Therefore, do not be surprised if you need to take in more than you did pre-pregnancy, especially when it comes to hydration. I drink more electrolytes now than I did training for a 70.3.
Take things day by day.
I call my workouts these days “a box of chocolates” because you never know what you are going to get. Some days I have to call it quits early or tone things down, other days I feel amazing. A bad workout on Tuesday does not mean a bad workout on Wednesday, but neither does feeling good on Friday mean I will feel good on Saturday.
Do what makes you happy. Everyone is different.
What has really struck me the most about pregnancy is how every person’s experience is so different. Some people cannot run at all during their pregnancy, some people run the morning they give birth. Some people like cycling, some do not. Some people want to do a race with their baby bump, so do not. Some find working out on a similar schedule to what they did pre-pregnancy helps them feel better, some find that working out is less enjoyable and choose to take time to rest or try different things. There is nothing “wrong” with you because something that feels good to you makes someone else, or because something someone else does is not pleasurable to you anymore. Do what feels good for your body. Also, something I am recently learning, just because you have adjusted does not mean you are not still crushing it. I cannot run, but running is not a superior activity to everything else. People are impressed with my biking and swimming, and I am truly grateful for all I can do.
Remember that you can hate being pregnant and love/want your baby. The two are not mutually exclusive.
This is one of the best things my therapist said to me during my pregnancy. Pregnancy is HARD. There is no way around it. When Bryan and went to our first birthing class, some women shared that they were “so grateful they were the one who got to do this.” I turned to my husband and said “I’d make you do it if I could.” Then I felt really guilty. But you know what happened? A few people overheard me and said, “I’m with you!” Also, it is OK to complain, to seek out support, to feel sad sometimes about the discomfort, and the things you can no longer do. That doesn’t mean you are not simultaneously excited about your child, or that you love them any less. I really struggle sometimes, but I also would not trade being pregnant for being able to run. I still want and love my baby, even though I do not really like pregnancy very much.
Running Theologian 